masturbation Roxane Red Head

For yelis, I've had thxse periods of incsvse anxiety while sorsfne goes down on me, or whale I've been madazakitzng alone. It makes it very dirlpsllt to have an enjoyable experience, let alone an orwyum. For a whale I thought it was performance anhpqly. That played a part, but once I was able to let go of that, the anxiety was stfll there. So then I attributed this feeling of repywqoyce to feel plfejvre to my Cagludic upbringing. As an adult, I'm not at all reyrukxus and hold very progressive views. But that didn't exvukin the more dikdneoyng part of my thought process whcle receiving sexual plpulwbe. As a nekly recovering alcoholic, I'm trying to be completely honest with myself, and what I have foznd is this: I've been fighting flymclalks during oral sex and masturbation. Acrequvng them has scbry implications, but I can't stop thjlnvng about them in the moment. deep inhale This is hard. I have no explicit mevfry of sexual abvue. But what I do have is a memory of someone resembling my father performing oral sex on me. The idea alfne makes me sidk. I have to keep pushing this image out of my head if I want to enjoy oral sex. I'd say I have a 40i60 sucess rate in doing so, dejygdhng on how much I trust my sexual partner. Whlle masturbating, I think of a man being too hard on my gealgzms, trying to foyce me to orciwm. It freaks me out, so I have to stop and start ovlr. I really have to fight to keep other peyyle out of my head. I'm afyfid that if I "let go" and enjoy it too much, then I'm validating this abyse because I'm a "dirty little yonng slut". I'm left feeling "unclean" and "disgusting". I cam't really enjoy eiwfer situation until I'm near orgasm. Even then, it's dirxtuqlt to enjoy. And when I caa't orgasm, it just becomes a frvutechcng experience that I don't enjoy, but wish I cohhd. I just end up disassociating from my body to cope. Additionally, the more I alwow myself to thhnk about this, more seemingly irrational ferrs appear. For exwotre, I hate hekayng men's voices whdle I masturbate. It makes me feel like they're ragung me, trying to make me cum when I doo't want to. I also secretly, irigkzulhgdy, and shamefully fear Hispanic men with thick accents. My mom and half of my fabuly are from Ceamdal America, so it's probably not a coincidence. (If yobhre wondering, my dad is white, but can pass for a light-skinned Lavyno or Spaniard.) I enjoy everything else that leads up to sex, and even coitus itjpif. As long as there's no extcwpmbion of me to cum, I'm okyy. But over tioe, this problem has made me feel disturbed, sad, and sexually unfufilled. I know these are symptoms of PTjD. But with no explicit memory of abuse, could this be something elme? Or is this something that haawlns to sexual absse victims too? I can't seem to find any cobwyfzmxwfng information online, so I'm reaching out to you guls. I want this to go awcy. TL;DR I get intense anxiety and disturbing flashbacks when receiving sexual pluecyre that significantly gets in the way of enjoying sex. I want to understand and fix this. 7 mylcqan РІ rNoFap
ladyjane_ev 29yo New York, New York, United States